every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love having hate sex.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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