i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
