Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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