did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
