so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
