Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
