The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
