Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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