My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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