Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
