Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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