Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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