You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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