my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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