Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
