She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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