What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize