Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
