I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
