What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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