I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize