I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
