He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
