fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
