SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
