Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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