Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize