A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize