This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
