Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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