these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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