Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
