the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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