she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
