My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
