and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
