Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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