a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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