Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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