i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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