He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
