Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
