I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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