Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Boobs speak an international language.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
