In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
