I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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