come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm passing your future prison.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
