he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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