Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
