There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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