someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
