My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You took a bar mat shot.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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