Swine flu is the new snow day.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
