How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
