I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
