Me too!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
