Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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