I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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