I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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